Getting From Living Together to Marriage

by Clifford W.  Lazar

Copyright © 2004 by Clifford W.  Lazar

After a divorce, men generally, are happy just living together with a woman.  Women, on the other hand, prefer to be married.  So how do women get to the married state?  Not by being direct.  Remember Helen Kubler-Ross and her stages of dying:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance.  Well there are stages of commitment:  Dating, exclusivity, sleeping over, bringing a toothbrush, bringing underwear, then clothes, then lots more stuff.  A major step would be actually moving in and forwarding calls.  The next major commitment is to terminate the lease and giving away or selling the furniture.  Watch out for this, because it is nearly irreversible or at least it’s costly to reverse this one.

Monogamy
Clearly, we're talking monogamy.  If the relationship isn’t monogamous, forget it.  A self-respecting woman doesn’t want a relationship with a guy who doesn’t see her as “all he would ever want” in the present and the future.

Committed
Now comes the cuh-cuh-cuh-commitment.  The lady says, "Honey, I feel uncomfortable just living together.  I want to tell people we are committed.  Is that OK?"

Now our man is faced with the alternative of refusing a verbal status change or precipitating a break-up.  Guess, which one is easier?  But that is only the beginning.

After the verbal commitment come the steps toward marriage.

Engaged
After a while she will say, "I have a problem telling people we are ‘you’re my boyfriend’.  It is too vague, too high school.  How do I introduce you?  ‘Here is my mmmm friend…?’  I want to tell people you are my fiancée, that we are engaged.  We haven't set a date, but we are engaged.  Is that OK?”

So now the couple is engaged in word only.  Seems like nothing has changed?  Well that was the next easy step.

The Engagement Ring
Months later comes the visible commitment.  She wants a ring.  She says, "I want a ring to wear because engaged women wear rings."  If the man is still suffering from being financially whacked by a previous divorce, he'll be resistant to spending thousands of dollars on a diamond ring.

There are two alternative approaches to ease the expense of, and resistance to, an engagement ring.  The first is for the lady to have a diamond from her mother, aunt or grandmother or possibly even her previous engagement ring.  (Her ex should like that.)

The second approach is to say, "I don't care about a diamond.  Everyone has a diamond.  We could go with a colored stone, like a sapphire or a topaz.  BUT, honey don't you think you could buy the setting?"

Thus, our resistant man becomes comfortable with a commitment, and then the virtual engagement and then an engagement ring, which makes the engagement official.

Setting a Time Frame
Setting a time frame is an easier step than setting a date-certain.

So months or years pass and our couple is a fixture among friends and at family holidays.  Everyone has an Uncle Max or Aunt Greta who will blurt out, "When will you make an honest woman of our Mary Jane?"

Our man will roll his eyes.  She will dissolve into the floor.

Later she will say, "People are asking me when we are going to get married."

Waiting Four Seasons
He will go into stall mode.  His divorce cost over $100,000 and maybe millions.  At the very least he wants to delay.  Four seasons makes sense.  Then he and she can see if they can stand to be in same car for long trips and the same bed in cold or heat.  What temperature does she want at night?  What about vacations?  She can't stand snow.  He hates cruises.  Maybe it should be eight seasons.  Setting the time frame means what year the marriage might occur, if they stay engaged.  Knowing he can back out makes it easier to walk into the dark cave of the unknown future.

She should avoid insisting on a short engagement because he could be thoroughly damaged or rebounding, neither of which are a good thing.  But if the couple are in their eighties a short time is practical.

The Pre-nuptial Agreement
The near death experience of losing half of what he thought was his property in the divorce settlement and the agonizing monthly payments of alimony, will make our man resistant to being exposed to the same risk again.  Our man remembers that second marriages are the triumph of hope over experience.

Regardless of whether she has her own money, she should offer a pre-nup agreement that protects his wealth and his children's inheritance.  If she has wealth, the pre-nup is good for her also.  A general concept is, “What was yours stays yours and what was mine stays mine and what we develop together is community property.” 

I had a friend who, three days before the wedding, was presented with a pre-nup by his bride-to-be that said, “What’s yours in mine and what’s mine is mine.”  He said he couldn’t sign it.  She said she couldn’t get married without it, so they called off the wedding, returned the gifts and took the pre-paid honeymoon.  Talk about cold beds. 

Later my then-girlfriend suggested that we set up her attractive girlfriend with my friend.  We did.  They were the original estranged couple.  When the names were exchanged she was still open to getting together, he was not.

Just make sure each party has independent legal advice and plenty of time.

Setting The Date
Setting a wedding date is not an event; it's a process.  The best a couple can do is set a two-month window or a season.  The actual date depends upon what dates the venues have available, what kind of honeymoon is desirable and when time can be taken off from work.

Now Comes the Stress -- Planning the Wedding
Some men have a problem being involved in the planning.  Some women want the men to just shut up and step aside.

Watch the movie, "Father of the Bride", if you want to preview the decisions, the stress and the cost escalation of a wedding.  Some engagements have been broken under this stress.  If you could read men’s minds you would get thoughts like, “What am I getting into here?  I’m walking out of this damn meeting and I’m going keep on walking.”

The guest list is critical because it drives the cost and creates issues of who comes, who sits where, and whether the bride or groom can have more guests.

We had a wonderful wedding, but still it had stress.  Here are some suggestions:

1.  Seat people with common interests or experience together, but not the bride's family separate from the groom's family.  We created a large board with circles for tables and sticky labels for people and moved people around a hundred times until we got tables where people could meet new friends and where ex-wives and husbands wouldn't glare at each other.  If young children are coming, set up a play area with toys.

2.  Only hire a financially stable photographer.  Ours descended from a Beverly Hills office to working out of his car.  A Santa Monica photographer never delivered proofs or photos for some weddings after charging thousands up front.  Get a written contract with delivery dates.  Include rights to negatives, and digital images.  Agree on digital media.

Remember, with wedding vendors, everything is negotiable.  You should pay in stages, with as little up front as possible.

3.  Preview the band and agree on the play list.  I've seen black bands that played Hava Nagila well and white bands that only played heavy metal.  I went to a wedding where the band that played only no-touch music.  We got a great band.  You can pick a grand entrance musical piece for your arrival to the dining room.  We picked the Star Wars Processional.  Over the top, but we had put a lot into the wedding and wanted to raise expectations.

If you’re going to do a first dance, agree on the music, the duration and have your photographer ready.  We did the Fred Astaire and Cyd Chairesse dance from “Band Wagon” to the music of "Dancing in the Dark".  I made a loop of the dance on videotape and we rehearsed it many times.  Great dance, few pictures.  Pre-test the cake.  Don’t get one with plastic icing, too sugary and stiff. 

4.  Check the food for taste and allergens.  My son choked because his chicken had ground peanuts in the stuffing.  Specify banned allergens in writing.  Bring some Benadryl and aspirins.

5.  Get the wine list and the bar service in writing.  The hotel downgraded the wine at the dinner and we got a refund.  Arrange for parking.  Free is best.

6.  Use a computer program, like Excel, to keep track of the guest list, the RSVPs, the table assignments, bride or groom’ guest and the gifts.  With Excel you can sort by table, last name, and do guest counts by bride or groom.  Who had the most guests?

7.  Stay overnight at or near the wedding venue.  Arrange a block discount for out-of-towners and key participants.  You need a bride’s get-ready room at the venue.  When you preview the venue go at the same day and time as the wedding day and time to check for traffic noise.  Before you sign the contract, walk through the whole wedding scenario including checking to see if the bathrooms are adequate and clean.  If it is an outdoor wedding have a back-up room in case of rain.  The are hotels that are so complex you have to get signage into the contract.

8.  Rehearsal dinners now include out-of-towners and close family. 

9.  Take pictures of every table.  It seems contrived, but I wish we had done it.  Visit every table during the dinner.

10.  Scotch tape the givers’ cards to the wedding gifts.  Otherwise they'll fall off.  We still have a crystal humidor with no identity.  It might have been left over from a previous wedding at the hotel.  Arrange for a truck or RV to move the gifts to your home.  Keep the gifts you don’t want in the original boxes of so you can recycle the gifts.  Just be discrete.

11.  Donate the wedding gown to charity.  Your daughter will think its old-fashioned or she’s already married.  Your granddaughter will think it’s really old-fashioned.  You’ll get a tax deduction.  You won’t pay to store it and maintain it.  It won’t take up space in your closet.  You won’t use it again.  Not so with the tux.

12.  Send thank-you notes quickly.  Two months max.

13.  I've posted my wedding pix on my website.

So we have gone from living together to marriage and our heroine didn’t wait for her man to pop the question.