Some Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today...
by Howard Klein
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Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but work hard at enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq, and push for the same against Iran. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an Impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
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